You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
