and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
