Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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