Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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