I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
