She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
