I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
