True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
