If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize