Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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