they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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