While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
