John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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