I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
