forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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