forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
