this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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