one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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