I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
