you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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