I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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