I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
