Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
