i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
bring money and cleavage
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Randomize
