SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
