I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
