and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
