Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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