I'm pants shitting drunk right now
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
