my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
