do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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