Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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