something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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