Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
