I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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