Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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