yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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