my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
