My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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