Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
