he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
