Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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