there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
