Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
