I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
