Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
