I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
