It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
