Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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