He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
