"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
