I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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