I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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