I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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