my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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