if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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