Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize