My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
