Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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