maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
