i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
